happiness lasts long now doesn’t it?!

but work has been fantastic, i’m loving it at the moment.

just neet mum to get better, my brother to get a life, and somebody to please sort my head out and decide what the hell it is that i want?

because wow i’m scared and confused!

if there were daisies i’d be pulling the petals off of them singing songs like when i was wee!!

What a load of bollocks!! I swear to god at some point a doctor felt my boobs and decided he needed to share with the world so put it on my chart, it’s the only explanation, EVERY time I go to the doctors they feel my boobs. And don’t help me get rid of the stabby pain.

They want to send me to “the pain clinic” to find out what it is that’s causing it. But don’t think that’ll cure it. And want me to go for a Lumbar Puncture. Again. Eh, NO! Soooo not putting myself through that pain again until i need an epidural for pushing out babies ha ha ha!

Got sleeping pills again though, so I guess that’s one positive.

The songs in the waiting room are the most depressing songs I’ve ever ever heard ha ha, like they put you in the mood to die there.

An awesome person I know was super shocked that nobody was going to the doctors with me, super cute lol, but I think the only time anyone has ever been with me is to the hospitals, boyfriend was there when I miscarried. And boyfriend was there when I first got the stabby pain and the doctors thought I’d punctured a lung. They got me wasted on painkillers ha ha ha!But I’d never noticed before how many people actually do have somebody with them at the doctors. I was the only person on my own!

Ah well. London tomorrow for a business meeting. Kinda excited about it =]

Felt regret for the first time this week. I don’t like it. I’m never gonna feel this way again.

raaawwwwr!

Made an amazing new friend.

BJ n me broke up.

But still spent xmas together. And New Years.

Mums still ill. Though hopefully it’ll all be gone soon. I just can’t wait til she gets the all clear and I can breathe again.

Work? Got promoted. Now Unit Manager, absolutely loving it, but sometimes it’s soooo stressful!

Other than that….been getting my stabby chest pains a lot =[  so Doctors tomorrow to find out what's going on there and to find out why I'm not sleeping - though I'm guessing it's stress or something.

I really want to do things. I want to go places. I hate being stuck here in one city all year. I like to see new places often. But the people around me are kinda shit at times. Won't go places because "I've been there fucking hundreds of times", so nobody to do a lot of it with.

Other than that, I don't care atm. I don't care about anything at all and it kinda scares me, but oh well!

cheerio =]

…blog more often. About happy shit, not just the stuff that makes me ranty ha ha!

…e-mail my dad updates. I don’t keep in touch with him as much as I should. And I love him tonnes, I want him to be a bigger part of my life from now, and his two kids, who I hardly know.

…Do things. No more just talking about them. I wanna do things this year. I’m going to London for my birthday, going to the Enchanted Forest in October (i’ll link you guys closer to the time, it’s beautiful).

…be less of a bitch. pretty self explanatory  =D

So there we go, that’s my basic plan for the year =] I’ll likely be back tomorrow with an actual update – since I know a few of you actually read this! Just been stressed a lot recently and unfortunately not had time/motivation to do anything.

Be good to yourselves

Nothing quite like being nosy, eh? So to shut you up, I’m writing here, it’s NONE of your business what happened or didn’t happen, and if anyone else asks me about it they’re just getting blocked and deleted. It’s ours to deal with, not yours.

My mum starts her radiotherapy in December. Shitty timing, not long before christmas, and she has to do it alone, they’re pumping so much radioactive stuff into her that we can’t visit.

Work has been crazy, manager now, and have so much to do!!

Today was the first day since Mums surgery that I’ve actually been happy and not particularly stressing about anything, it’s been really really good. Apparently I’ve been totally different, I’ve had so many people giving me hugs and saying how worried they were, I didn’t even notice really. But I know who my friends are, and I love them dearly.

Been out a lot more, had some awesome nights out with Dawn, lots of drinking and dancing and just general fun, she’s awesome =] Also been out with a lot of the people from a comic book store in town, known one of them for a while, and the others are awesome, super friendly and fun, though when they talk comics I generally don’t have a clue what they’re talking about!

Got some new books today to pass some time. Been asked out on a date. It snowed for a day. It’s almost time for Christmas at work.

I miss sketch. and Noir. and a few others, but you’ve got me on msn, or should have anyway =]

Off to read more about vampires.

And found out that her strain of cancer is so rare that there’ve only been 15-20 cases recorded ever. And they don’t know how to treat it. If they can treat it. It’s all guess work.

They’ve officially got no fucking idea how to fix it.

This is shit.

And I’m not really the best at dealing with that kinda thing, well, I deal with it okay, but I’m so completely terrified that it might be super bad. And no matter how many times I’m told it’s fine and it’s really really treatable, I come home and I see my flatmate. My flatmate is lovely. And his mum is dying just now, of cancer. And I’m sure he was told on many many many occasions that it’d be fine. That she’s be okay. That there was nothing to worry about. Now he’s trying to work out what you get your mum for her last Christmas.

So all this has made me a bit stressy. And apparently it’s also made me be a bit less like me, one of the guys at work was telling me how much he wants old me back, cos I’m not as smiley and happy as normal just now. And apparently I’ve been being weird with my boyfriend – but I didn’t know, and he didn’t tell me so there wasn’t any way for me to not be weird. I don’t mean it though, I don’t even realise that I’m not me to be honest. I’m just finding it difficult being so far from home and I’m constantly thinking “What if…”s, which go through all sorts of morbid scenarios.

I guess I’m writing this one to explain why I’ve been so weird recently, since I know that there’s a good few of the people that I care about that read this. Sorry if i’ve been moody or quiet or snappy, just I want to cry like ten times a day – I watched Derren Brown last week (that man is an idiot Meesh, an idiot!!! He gets these people out of looneybins) and I was almost in tears at the end!!

But yeah, I’ve been stressy. And my boyfriends friend died the other week in a motorcycle accident, which scared me too, since he’s on his way to getting a motorbike, but I think it’s scared him a lot more, he seems to be almost deliberately trying to fuck up his theory test so that he’s got a “reason” not to be out on it. So I’m worried for him too, and me stressing and him stressing apparently just makes us argue. Having said that though, I don’t know if he is stressing or just mad at me. Because I don’t know how to ask him. I ask him things and he seems to take it the wrong way.

Like I’ll ask him about what he thinks about when he thinks about the future, or if he wants kids or to be married, and I genuinely just ask out of curiosity – because I’ve been thinking about it all a lot recently – but he seems to think that I’m asking because I want it, and I want it now – I ask because he’s not just my boyfriend, he’s one of my best friends, and I value his opinion (apart from when it’s the wrong opinion like saying my butt looks big in those jeans =p) and I’m just genuinely curious about what he thinks about it, about what he wants.

So now I tend to just keep my mouth shut n not ask him incase he freaks out – again, probably the wrong thing to do. Oh well.

It’s not scary horrific she’s gonna die type cancer, but it’s cancer. And it scares me. She looks the same as normal, she says she doesn’t feel sick or anything, but she’s got cancer all the same.(Lindsay cancer – it’s kinda awesome that it’s got a proper name lol, like the only one that’s likeable enough to name it)

It’s weird, even though I know that she’s a weird and wonderful freak that gets a super rare version of cancer that’s 90% curable if she does nothing, I can’t help but freak out sometimes that she won’t be there, that she won’t see me do silly things like grow up properly and have babies and stuffs. I know it’s completely ridiculous but I overthink absolutely everything. And I worry. A lot.

But now because I’ve been thinking about silly things like that it’s got me re-thinking lots of other things. Like the boyfriend, I mean, we want totally different things. I want my little house in the countryside and babies and a man that loves me enough to WANT to get married or engaged for ages – I don’t really want to be married, just to know that someone cares a bit more than just dating. And i don’t mean that I want these things now, it’s just what I’d kinda always assumed would happen at some point. He, however, has been engaged a million times n fucked over a million times so doesn’t give a shit about that kinda thing, and doesn’t seem remotely interested in babies, ever.  So I end up sitting wondering if there’s any point? And of course there is, I mean, i LOVE him, and it’s him that I think about when I imagine my little house in the countryside, but it’s not what he wants so it’s not gonna happen, so is there a future there? I really really want there to be, like I said, I love him, but we just seem to want totally different things – so what if he’d be happier with someone else that’s more likely to want the same things as him? I just over-think it all. And then when I try to talk to him he totally gets the wrong idea cos he thinks I mean I want all that shit like, NOW.

Then I overthink that and go right round again to the “what if…”  my mum isn’t there to see that? And I get really upset n cry loads.

And, tbh, I think the fact that I’m on the pill doesn’t help cos it makes me super emotional. I cry at all sorts of stuff. But I like the control lol!

Argh, my heads a mess. Normally when I go home to my mum’s I sit on the bus n think about everything and kinda organise and compartmentalise things, but I’m still a bit shocked about her being ill so instead I stared blankly out the window and hated the fact that we ruin the countryside.

On the way to Glasgow there are so many pretty scenes, gorgeous mountains and water and going past fields with a crow on every single fence post. And then you get past Glasgow and there’s a great big fuck off “angel” in the middle of nowhere. What’s the point?! It’s not scenic or pretty, it’s a fucking great eyesore in the middle of my gorgeous wee country. It doesn’t even compliment the scenery, it’s like a bloody great misshapen disco ball in the middle of a field.

Eugh. I can’t stop thinking about my future, I kinda feel like I’m not doing enough, I’m not living enough. I’m a bitch and I’ll act completely cold-hearted at times, but most of the time, all I want is someone to give me a cuddle, tell me it’s all gonna be absoultey fine and make me a cup of tea.

Shame it’s not that easy, eh?

i was working at 3.30 this morning, after getting home at 10.30pm last night, so hadn’t had much sleep, i only realised today that in the morning everything offends my senses. Early in the morning everything smells. and when you’re in a taxi and people walk in or climb in, whatever, and smell like indian food or strong aftershave, it makes me feel sick. like, really really sick, and the motion of the movement makes me feel even worse. grrr!!!

Finished work today n got home (without falling asleep on the bus – WOOP) n then had bj inviting me down to his

Got here, after a lot of carry on whilst travelling, and promptly fell asleep on the top of the bed!! Bj woke me up with dinner all ready – ooooft i love his cooking =]

I’m soooo sleepy though, silly work!

It’s my birthday at the end of the month, gonna go out for dinner n then go get wasteeeeed!! wooooot!

anyway, gonna go watch tv.

I don’t really know what it is about tonight but I’m restless I suppose, I lie down and all of a sudden I can’t stop thinking about silly, inconsequential little things.

I think about strange things at night time, things I don’t really know if anyone else ever thinks about.

I’m very insecure, I’m all bubbly and happy most of the time,  but I have a couple of days when I’m just tired, and insecure and I worry about how genuine people are towards me, whether people mean what they say or if it’s all bullshit.

Strange things get to me though, I don’t sit up all night worrying about arguments or anything, I sit here and think about little things, things like “i love you”. Isn’t it weird how those three words are marketed as romantic?

Hardly anybody ever says it and means it, and it’s used in spite. When you have an argument and people are questioning actions and you spit out “I did it because I love you!!” type things, it’s just meant to make the other person feel shit. Or when you’re asking for something, like “pleease, I looove you” and it’s all just bullshit!!

I think about bj n me a lot. I don’t know how normal that is, I think about it a lot though, not in the way you expect, not the whole smooshy oh i’m so lucky type things, but just, analytically maybe?! I’m not too sure how to describe it. Like, I think about him, and worry about him and what’s happening with him and how he’s doing, but then step back and think, because, well, because I don’t think he thinks like that about me, not in a negative way, I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t mean to imply that he doesn’t think of me, but, well, I have no reason to believe that he does, if that makes sense.

Like I was in hospital yesterday, for tests, nothing major, but it’s the kind of thing that worries me, that I overthink, but that he thinks nothing of and so doesn’t think to ask how it went. But because I’d be asking him if it were the other way round I notice that he’s not bothered about it and then I overthink about that and then  my head gets messy.

(they want me to go back in btw, for a scopey thing, I can’t spell it!! and possibly binding my chest, which would mean me being signed off work for ages n not able to do much of anything)

But then because I know I overthink it and he underplays it, I don’t want to mention it to him, and then when it comes to something like me needing to go in for something else he doesn’t know at all and it all ends up in one big circle.

I don’t know, I guess I value “how are you” over “i love you” i love you’s can be completely routine and emotionless, but  how are you, when people actually want a response, can make all the difference in the world.

I guess I think too much about things.

I found a poem on tinternet earlier that I totally relate to =]

Yeah, so I think that’s my rambling done for now! There are so many silly little instances like that, with so many people, that i run through my head all the time. It’s so strange.

And I worry about my friends a lot too. I hate when people try to screw them over. Silly ginger cunt. I’m gonna get myself a cape and I’m gonna save them all from the bullshit in life.