It’s not scary horrific she’s gonna die type cancer, but it’s cancer. And it scares me. She looks the same as normal, she says she doesn’t feel sick or anything, but she’s got cancer all the same.(Lindsay cancer – it’s kinda awesome that it’s got a proper name lol, like the only one that’s likeable enough to name it)

It’s weird, even though I know that she’s a weird and wonderful freak that gets a super rare version of cancer that’s 90% curable if she does nothing, I can’t help but freak out sometimes that she won’t be there, that she won’t see me do silly things like grow up properly and have babies and stuffs. I know it’s completely ridiculous but I overthink absolutely everything. And I worry. A lot.

But now because I’ve been thinking about silly things like that it’s got me re-thinking lots of other things. Like the boyfriend, I mean, we want totally different things. I want my little house in the countryside and babies and a man that loves me enough to WANT to get married or engaged for ages – I don’t really want to be married, just to know that someone cares a bit more than just dating. And i don’t mean that I want these things now, it’s just what I’d kinda always assumed would happen at some point. He, however, has been engaged a million times n fucked over a million times so doesn’t give a shit about that kinda thing, and doesn’t seem remotely interested in babies, ever.  So I end up sitting wondering if there’s any point? And of course there is, I mean, i LOVE him, and it’s him that I think about when I imagine my little house in the countryside, but it’s not what he wants so it’s not gonna happen, so is there a future there? I really really want there to be, like I said, I love him, but we just seem to want totally different things – so what if he’d be happier with someone else that’s more likely to want the same things as him? I just over-think it all. And then when I try to talk to him he totally gets the wrong idea cos he thinks I mean I want all that shit like, NOW.

Then I overthink that and go right round again to the “what if…”  my mum isn’t there to see that? And I get really upset n cry loads.

And, tbh, I think the fact that I’m on the pill doesn’t help cos it makes me super emotional. I cry at all sorts of stuff. But I like the control lol!

Argh, my heads a mess. Normally when I go home to my mum’s I sit on the bus n think about everything and kinda organise and compartmentalise things, but I’m still a bit shocked about her being ill so instead I stared blankly out the window and hated the fact that we ruin the countryside.

On the way to Glasgow there are so many pretty scenes, gorgeous mountains and water and going past fields with a crow on every single fence post. And then you get past Glasgow and there’s a great big fuck off “angel” in the middle of nowhere. What’s the point?! It’s not scenic or pretty, it’s a fucking great eyesore in the middle of my gorgeous wee country. It doesn’t even compliment the scenery, it’s like a bloody great misshapen disco ball in the middle of a field.

Eugh. I can’t stop thinking about my future, I kinda feel like I’m not doing enough, I’m not living enough. I’m a bitch and I’ll act completely cold-hearted at times, but most of the time, all I want is someone to give me a cuddle, tell me it’s all gonna be absoultey fine and make me a cup of tea.

Shame it’s not that easy, eh?

i was working at 3.30 this morning, after getting home at 10.30pm last night, so hadn’t had much sleep, i only realised today that in the morning everything offends my senses. Early in the morning everything smells. and when you’re in a taxi and people walk in or climb in, whatever, and smell like indian food or strong aftershave, it makes me feel sick. like, really really sick, and the motion of the movement makes me feel even worse. grrr!!!

Finished work today n got home (without falling asleep on the bus – WOOP) n then had bj inviting me down to his

Got here, after a lot of carry on whilst travelling, and promptly fell asleep on the top of the bed!! Bj woke me up with dinner all ready – ooooft i love his cooking =]

I’m soooo sleepy though, silly work!

It’s my birthday at the end of the month, gonna go out for dinner n then go get wasteeeeed!! wooooot!

anyway, gonna go watch tv.

I don’t really know what it is about tonight but I’m restless I suppose, I lie down and all of a sudden I can’t stop thinking about silly, inconsequential little things.

I think about strange things at night time, things I don’t really know if anyone else ever thinks about.

I’m very insecure, I’m all bubbly and happy most of the time,  but I have a couple of days when I’m just tired, and insecure and I worry about how genuine people are towards me, whether people mean what they say or if it’s all bullshit.

Strange things get to me though, I don’t sit up all night worrying about arguments or anything, I sit here and think about little things, things like “i love you”. Isn’t it weird how those three words are marketed as romantic?

Hardly anybody ever says it and means it, and it’s used in spite. When you have an argument and people are questioning actions and you spit out “I did it because I love you!!” type things, it’s just meant to make the other person feel shit. Or when you’re asking for something, like “pleease, I looove you” and it’s all just bullshit!!

I think about bj n me a lot. I don’t know how normal that is, I think about it a lot though, not in the way you expect, not the whole smooshy oh i’m so lucky type things, but just, analytically maybe?! I’m not too sure how to describe it. Like, I think about him, and worry about him and what’s happening with him and how he’s doing, but then step back and think, because, well, because I don’t think he thinks like that about me, not in a negative way, I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t mean to imply that he doesn’t think of me, but, well, I have no reason to believe that he does, if that makes sense.

Like I was in hospital yesterday, for tests, nothing major, but it’s the kind of thing that worries me, that I overthink, but that he thinks nothing of and so doesn’t think to ask how it went. But because I’d be asking him if it were the other way round I notice that he’s not bothered about it and then I overthink about that and then  my head gets messy.

(they want me to go back in btw, for a scopey thing, I can’t spell it!! and possibly binding my chest, which would mean me being signed off work for ages n not able to do much of anything)

But then because I know I overthink it and he underplays it, I don’t want to mention it to him, and then when it comes to something like me needing to go in for something else he doesn’t know at all and it all ends up in one big circle.

I don’t know, I guess I value “how are you” over “i love you” i love you’s can be completely routine and emotionless, but  how are you, when people actually want a response, can make all the difference in the world.

I guess I think too much about things.

I found a poem on tinternet earlier that I totally relate to =]

Yeah, so I think that’s my rambling done for now! There are so many silly little instances like that, with so many people, that i run through my head all the time. It’s so strange.

And I worry about my friends a lot too. I hate when people try to screw them over. Silly ginger cunt. I’m gonna get myself a cape and I’m gonna save them all from the bullshit in life.

As I was saying….yesterday when I was working oh-so-hard, and not oogling a group of hot guys heading to Ibiza, I was told of a staff night out for our bar manager, as he’s leaving. Meh, means not much to me, not really that big on staff nights out, too much gossip gets started and it’s never really that fun anyways…..but the pub is 2 minutes from where everyone knows I live and so I was told that it’s just downright rude for me not to turn up, even just for one drink, and my feeble attempts at backing out were not, under any circumstances, going to be accepted.

So home I came, had a wee cup of tea with BJ’s aunt and her partner, caught up on all their family gossip, and gave them a gift for BJ’s dad for Fathers day (happy fathers day to those that it’s relevant to!) jumped in the shower and got ready to go out. Being a girl though, in the ten minutes it took me to get ready the clock had mysteriously missed an hour (if anyone happens to find it, I’d kinda like that missing hour back, there’s a return to sender address on the bottom!)  and everyone was already half drunk by the time I got to the pub,  walked in and up the stairs only to be called back by some bouncer, who, in amongst asking for my ID (clearly with tits like mine i look under 18) managed to tell me I looked beautiful – he must’ve known I wanted to hit him. – and then got a drink.

I’m a little bit on the short side, as most of you know, and the majority of people I work with are tall, so it was like being out with giants. And then i noticed the mafia in the corner…three of the chefs all suited and booted and looking very suave casually holding their vodkas and looking like our very own mafia, and dancing pretty damn well! The manager that was leaving was pretending to DJ to all of the songs, and we were all happily dancing away. Then one girl managed to pull one of the guys, bless his wee cotton socks, and spent a long time sucking all the oxygen from his lungs. The whole place was shocked, it was like they were famous, cameras were out in seconds to upload pictures to facebook to shame everyone with the dreaded tagging, documenting the bad drunken decisions we make for eternity…..suddenly out of nowhere one of the guys that works the bar appeared with a red rose for me ^^,  how cute, and proceeded to tell me that his type was short with dark hair, so of course, I did what any girl would do, smiled sweetly, leaned in to give him a hug, and showed him a picture of me and BJ, sweetly telling him that BJ is the only “type” I want and need. And also let him know that I like the blue roses, they’re prettier!  Bless him, hugged me and moved on to chat to someone else!

Then those silly hours disappeared again, my two drinks seemed to have turned into twenty, with few of them having been bought by me and everyone seeming to know what it is that I drink (vodka and coke btw, just incase you bump into me!) and the bar lights were flashing for last orders. So another round and then we decided we’d all head to some nightclubs, which is when we noticed the aforementioned girl, taking the boy (now with no oxygen left in his body) AND his friend back to hers “for a little fun”, aha ha ha ha haaa!! (have just been informed that they were just drinking….mmhm, I’m also the virgin mary).

As we meandered along the street, in perfectly straight lines and not remotely loud and drunkenly, the guy who was leaving, lets call him Bob, decided that he was gonna charge 50p for people to feel my boobs, people actually gave him money so that they could touch my boobs, then were very disappointed when they went to try and I glared at them in a way that, I like to think, portrayed a woman who will snap your twiggy little neck if you so much as think about actually touching me. This of course, being after one of the Mafia guys spilled a drink all over me, which led to another guy saying “but honey, they look even better wet“…..he really appreciated the slap in the face that he got.

Then we got into the club (after I got ID’d….AGAIN) fought our way to the bar and headed upstairs, for more breathing space, which is when we noticed that some of the group were missing. After calling a few people it was discovered that some complete and utter wanker had decided to punch one of the guys in the nose, for no reason at all, other than the fact that he was walking up the stairs….men can be so shit. So our friend was in A’n'E for the rest of the night, with a broken nose, which, I imagine, sucked a lot more for him than it did for us. Whilst upstairs I went out to the stairs to call someone, and some guy, men can be so shit, just walked up to me and kinda pushed me into the corner, I hung up the phone n pushed him away, when the Mafia came out of the door and saw, one of them came n put his arm round me claiming to be my boyfriend, and the other escorted the asshole out of the club…..I feel so safe with them, apparently I’m his little Scottish princess and he looks after me like I’m his baby sister. <3

More dancing occured, and Bob kept feeling my boobs when that “I’ve got a feeling oooh hoooo (or squeeze squeeze as my boobs sang) that tonight’s gonna be a good good night” song came on, which led to us pretending to come on to each other/looking like the thought of touching a girl didn’t make Bob’s stomach turn, his partner wasn’t there, but I don’t think he’d appreciate Bob being bummed by some girl in leopard print leggings too much!

After more hours randomly disappeared it was time for us all to go home, I demanded chips and curry sauce, like all good girls do, so we went and got food, then all went to our seperate homes, where I lovingly drunk dialled BJ and woke him up (not very sure what I said, but I know it wasn’t appreciated as I was drunk and he was asleep) And that’s about it!

Was a bit of an eventful night out, but it was super good fun!

Once the dreaded tagging begins you might just be lucky enough to get to see some of the pictures!

Til next time =]

trying to think that’s happened this month! Ummm….works been good, hired a girl i used to work with and she’s awesome!! i love her =]

Finally starting to get Disneyland booked, which is awesome! Got my hair cut, i’ve got a fringe now, kinda looks like this

Ummmm…going to see Peter Pan in the theatre soon, can’t wait!! Was gonna go see Sash and Basshunter next month too but it’s sold out =[

Apparently like, all the guys that i work with want in my pants. Can’t decide if it’s ace cos…well, cos i like the attention! lol, or if it’s just a pain in the ass, i’m leaning more towards the pain in the ass thing. I mean, it’s nice when i get to work and get handed cupcakes and told how beautiful i look (yeah, they’re kinda blind) and the silly carry on and laughs we have, but when i get home from work and they’re on facebook telling me that if i don’t give them a chance to be my boyf then they’ll kill themselves?! well, um, that’s even more likely to make me tell you to fuck off and do so, cos i’m sooooooo not interested!!! They totally don’t take my oh so sublte hunts, like “I’m not interested” apparently it’s okay cos most of them have houses in portugal and we could be so happy there…..ehm, have you met me!? do i LOOK like i particularly enjoy sweltering hot places?! really?!

i don’t understand it, i’m not particularly attractive, and i’m not even really that nice lol, i’m a bit of a bitch. but hey, least i know i’ll have plenty to keep myself busy with if bj n me call it off lol!!! =p

Can’t think what else is new really, fathers day this month so gotta find a heap of presents for all 4 of them lol. kinda about it.

so, i’m off out for lunch, laters!

It was gorgeous n sunny, and one of my friends got a job at my work, we were super super busy n then all of a sudden it just died.

So i took the chairs outside and started scrubbing them with an upholstery brush – any excuse to be outside in the sunshine!!! =] All nice and relaxing and lovely….until i went in to get some juice.

Then Roberto, our charming head chef decided it’d be funny to attack me with the water jet from the kp area….ew!!! So i ran, screaming ha ha, then sneaked back in and jumped on him and terrified him, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Revenge is SWEET!!!

Or, revenge WAS sweet, til he got his. so i set about creating a plan, after screaming like a child and jumping around to get the ice cubes outta my shirt, grr!!

Got the kp to grab him n managed to get him covered in ice too, muah ha ha ha ha!! he should know betterer =]

And the other head chef is away home to madeira this week, gonna bring back pancho cos apparently we have to try it, woooop!

Works just been awesome, i spend so much time there just now, there or sleeping cos i’m sooo tired atm, but it’s all good!

and KISS was amazing!!!

that’s what i ended up wearing, the outift i wanted to wear was decidedly too slutty ha ha!

it was an amazing night, they were completely mind blowingly amazing and BJ n me had awesome fun, and a super good takeaway after!!

cya!

not that i had a chance to know you, but i miss what i dream you are.

i spend hours thinking about how you’d have your dads gorgeous pale blue eyes. about that silly baby smile that you’d make, about being able to lie in bed beside you knowing that you’re the single most precious thing in the world.

a little girl came up to me at work today and gave me a plastic pink ring that she got with her comic, cos she said i looked sad, would you have been a kid like that?

i got soooo upset yesterday, and he was playing with teddies trying to make me giggle and stop crying, it totally worked, until i started thinking about how i had his teddy he’d had since he was born, and my teddy i’d had since i was born, and the teddy that we fell in love with lol, but you never had a teddy.

it’s such a silly little thing, just a teddy. but who would’ve bought it for you? would you have just cuddled it or would you have taken it to wars like he did?! i ended up spending most of the night thinking about it. or would you’ve been a weird kid like my sister and had a cushion instead of a teddy?

sometimes i do really well at pretending that i don’t care. that it doesn’t matter that you were never here.

and then i have a random day where everywhere i look you’re there. i even get jealous of sleepless nights and huffing kids lol.

but it just wasn’t meant to be, i guess. i miss you though, and i love you.

least Seanair can look after you, tha gra’dh agam ort baby. always.

Talking about how discreet their vaginas were. I don’t get it. How can it be discreet?!

When i walk down the street does my kooch actually shout to other people “DUUUDE you’ll never guess what was in me last night!!”. Seriously?!

Admittedly though….if my kooch could talk, it’d be like that. it’d be all “hey duuude, i was all shaken last night, was like haiti all over again”. Well, it would if i were getting any….i swear to god, i’m actually a virgin again. And i think if vaginas could talk then they’d talk hairstyles.

I mean, what’s cool these days?! n what the HELL is going on with those pubey wig things?! REALLY?!  I think if i was gonna have pubis hair i’d have it in a mohican. I’d totally dye it rainbow colours too. does hair gel work on pubic hair?!

And…..if any girls ever read this….why is it warmer when you pee after you’ve waxed/shaved/immaced?! WHY?!

Ummm yeah….so enough about the vag.

Oh, also, all you spamming bastards……if you spam me in proper grammatically correct english i may consider your pish before i delete it. Probably won’t, but you never know, eh?! (and i realise that my blog is never grammatically correct).

2 days til KISS!!!!! FUCK YES!!!!!!

lovages!

FIVE DAYS!!!!!

I’ve been feeling so crappy recently, my heads been a total mess, and today i totally just kinda snapped out of it, FIVE DAYS TIL KISS!!!!

I’m soooo excited!!!

Blackjesus doesn’t seem too bothered, which is kinda bugging me lols. But then, it’s gonna mean him meeting up with my stepdad n a couple of my uncles again too lol

I can’t waiiiittt!!! SO FREAKIN EXCITED!!!

that is all.

oh, and i wanna be a burlesque storm trooper. all she does is wiggle her boobies, i could totally do that for a living.

Everything is back to normal at work now, yay! And I’ve manager to finally get my pay sorted out, so next time i get paid i’m gonna get heaps of back pay too WOOOOOP!

And, I got paid last Sunday instead of today, so hopefully will get paid next time on sunday too so will have all the money for kiss =] WOOOP!

What else….hmmm, got some new DVDs today, got vouchers for hmv lol, got “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” – because it’s amazing! some rndom horror movie, and the notebook, because apparently i’m not a real girl until i’ve seen it.

my flatmate keeps smoking weed and it’s beginning to really get to me, i can’t even go sit in the living room to relax when i get home from work cos he spends all day hotboxing it. Eugh. Makes me feel totally sick.

Can’t think what else really. Just the same old same old.