I’m in such a weird mood.

I’m totally bored, but hyper and also soooo cannot be bothered doing a single thing.

It’s like i wanna sit n gossip n chat for hours but i don’t know what to say all of a sudden. I miss being in the countryside.

I used to feel like this quite a bit n it was normally just cos i needed some time to myself, I used to go for super long walks at night time, n sit at the old army base by the sea and watch as the tide came in, the sky totally black apart from a sprinkling of stars and the sea coming in like waves of tar, uused to sit on the railings n think about everything and nothing all at once, especially on really nice calm nights where all you can hear is the sea, and all you can see is still, it’s like you’re the only person in the world that’s alive at that moment, and i always found it really comforting.

Like i could think whatever i wanted and there’d be nobody or nothing there to distract me, or tell me what i was thinking is totally mental. Kinda like when you have those strange thoughts when you’re just falling asleep, y’know, the weird ones, like what it’s like at the bottom of the sea, or even if there is a bottom. I always used to have this weird dream that the earth we’re on isn’t the outside lol, with the theory that we hadn’t been to the centre of the world so it could be anything, and the stars in the sky were really gold in another layer of the world that was just out of our reach.

Clearly I’ve always beena  bit weird. But those dreams were amazing, dreaming about how we managed to land on that layer and get through and stand and see everything upside down and all the weird adventures.

I hate being in the city so much at times. There’s nowhere in the city that you can be on your own. you can be lonely anywhere, but you can’t be on your own, even at the beach, there’s always someone somewhere close that interupts your thoughts or makes you feel too uncomfortable to think properly.

I kinda like being out at bj’s just for that, so i can spend time on my own, when he goes to college n i can just go n sit at the beach and watch the sea for a while. i don’t even get a phone signal there so it’s just total peace and quiet. i love it so much. I love the sea. i love how massive it is, how tiny and insignificant it can make you feel. it’s connected to some of my favourite moments ever. Like being a kid n going swimming in the sea with my mum, trying not to get my hair wet lol, or walking around the shoreline to get to the shop quicker from my grannies house. or watching the yachts come in whilst sitting in the garden with my seanair. or waking up after a beach party as the camp fire goes out n everyone else is passed out n sitting at the top of the sand dunes watching the sea with the b/f sitting there with his arm around me in complete silence. or going for wanders on the beach n looking at fish in the sea n showing him sea anenomes lol

aw man, was talking to noir today on msn n it’s totally got me thinking about a nasty ex. eugh. i try my best not to think of him ever but now i am and it’s getting to me and it just annoys me, i hate that even now he can get under my skin without saying a word.

rawrrrr. I’m gonna go and watch some good old junk tv and then listen to blackjesus on the radio. Cheer up a bit n get outta whatever this weird funk is.

on the upside….i got an AWESOME tshirt today. kinda bought it as a present but i’m keeping it forever! =]